יִֽתֶּן־לִי אֶת־מְעָרַת הַמַּכְפֵּלָה אֲשֶׁר־לוֹ אֲשֶׁר בִּקְצֵה שָׂדֵהוּ בְּכֶסֶף מָלֵא יִתְּנֶנָּה לִּי בְּתֽוֹכֲכֶם לַֽאֲחֻזַּת־קָֽבֶר
Let him sell me the cave of Machpelah that he owns, which is at the edge of his land. Let him sell it to me, at the full price, for a burial site in your midst.
Genesis 23:9
In rabbinic times, it was said that the reason this cave, Machpelah, was so important to Abraham is because one could see all the way to the Garden of Eden from inside the cave. So Abraham negotiated with the indigenous Hittites for the rights to bury Sarah in the cave of Machpelah. He took care to make an agreement that valued what each party was giving.
Negotiations continue until today between Jews and other peoples near Hebron for the burial of family members. I learned about this from Ameen, a Palestinian peacemaker who was attending a weekly class in Nonviolent Communication at the offices of the Holy Land Trust in Bethlehem.
The second or third week of class, Ameen came in smiling. He announced with emphasis and a big smile, “I have a celebration because I used NVC in my work.” “What is your work?” I asked. “I am part of the negotiating team for the return of Palestinian bodies from the Israeli military to their families.” “How did you use NVC?”
Ameen explained that the family he was representing wanted to have the funeral that weekend. “The Israeli military captain was in a terrible mood and was saying no to everything. I thought, ‘he needs empathy,’ so I asked him what was wrong. He said his father was very sick and also that he was worried that a big funeral that weekend would turn violent. I heard he was worried about his father and the funeral and needed some support and empathy."
Ameen asked the Israeli captain if he was worried and feeling stressed.
“Yes.”
“Do you need an easy solution here so you can focus on your father?”
“Yes.”
And they worked out a strategy of returning the body to the family for a private funeral. This strategy met the family’s need to grieve and the Israeli’s need for attending to his family. It also met Ameen’s need for communication and cooperation between himself and his Israeli counterparts.
As I reflect on this story, I look to Abraham in this week’s Torah portion. Although the Hittite owner offered it, Abraham declined to just take the cave that he wanted for Sarah’s burial. He partnered with the Hittite chief to work out a mutually beneficial agreement.
The teaching of this story for me isn’t that the Jews now own the cave of Machpelah. ( I am exploring the concept of ownership in further writings.) The takeaway for me is that when there are two claims to anything — to land, to power in decision making, to having your customs and people matter — the only lasting solution is one in which there is communication to identify everyone’s needs, and then solutions where everyone’s needs are valued and addressed.
The NVC principle is “connection before solution.” The Buddhist principle is that everything exists in relation to everything else. “This is because that is.” If I advocate for solutions that meet my needs at the expense of you meeting your needs, this will lead to violence. I may have to ask over and over, what are your needs? As Abraham did. I may also need to ask myself, over and over, what are my needs?
This is the road to nonviolent solutions for peaceful living together.
Inspiring.