וַיְדַבֵּר יְהוָה אֶל־מֹשֶׁה בְּמִדְבַּר סִינַי
יהוה spoke to Moses in the desert wilderness of Sinai ...
Numbers 1:1
Thus begins the fourth book of Torah, Bemidbar, In the Desert Wilderness, historically translated as the Book of Numbers. This week we draw on these Torah verses to deepen and illuminate the Nonviolent Communication skill of making requests and the Buddhist principle of non attachment.
Ownerlessness/Nonattachment
Jewish tradition reads the opening verse as a call from Life Unfolding to empty ourselves of possessiveness and attachment, making ourselves like the desert wilderness. From that wildness, that letting go, we are prepared to receive the Torah as the teachings of Life:
For anyone who does not make oneself ownerless (hefker) like the desert cannot acquire Torah. That is why it says 'in the desert of Sinai.'
Midrash Tanchuma, Numbers 7 (Babylon/Italy/Israel, c.500 - c.800 CE)
More than a thousand years later, in the 19th century, the Hasidic teacher the Svat Emet expanded this:
The Torah represents the wholeness (shleimut) of created beings and to the degree that they are lacking in their own eyes, they will yearn for that wholeness. They will merit Torah. It is very hard for conscious beings to see themselves as deficient, as we must...But one who makes oneself like a desert [gains this insight], as it says in the midrash, one cannot merit Torah without first becoming ownerless (hefker) like the desert. This was the preparation of the Jewish people before they received the Torah: that they arrived at this attribute of "desert-ness"; that it became clear to them that they needed to yearn for wholeness and to clarify this need for others. (Sefat Emet, Bamidbar 1874)
(Translation from R. Erin Smolker)
This teaching offers a strong spiritual dimension to the urgency of protecting wilderness and creating opportunities for all life to experience the energy of wholeness from the natural world. It is a rallying cry to stop overdevelopment and the alarming and escalating destruction of forests, oceans and habitat.
Spiritually, this means connecting to our deepest yearnings for wholeness so that we ourselves become like the desert, neither owning nor owned. Neither possessing nor possessed. Wild. Empty. Full of potential. This is how we can receive Torah, the most precious gift the tradition offers.
In Buddhist practice, this is beginner's mind, a preparation to reach Nirvana. Nirvana, in the language of this Torah verse, is becoming like the desert wilderness- letting go, freeing ourselves and others, from our judgments and concepts of things. Opening the way for a direct encounter with creative dynamic Life Unfolding. We free ourselves from the Pharaoh nature of dominating and exploiting others. The practice of non attachment, not clinging to particular results and strategies, opens this freedom.
Nonviolent Communication gives us tools to step into this level of 'ownerlessness' by guiding us to make requests of people rather than demands. We clearly communicate what action we' d like others to take to make life more wonderful for us. And in our request, we factor in what would make life wonderful for the other person. We care about the impact of our request on the other person.
How does this work? NVC requests come from the place of non attachment. We aren't attached to the specific strategy we are proposing. When we think there is only one strategy to meet our needs, we make demands because we are in a place of scarcity, the narrow place of mitzrayim in Torah.
Instead of attachment to one strategy, without regard to how it impacts others, we first get clarity within ourself about the needs we are trying to meet with our request. We remind ourselves that conflict doesn't arise at the level of needs. Conflict only arises at the level of the strategies we employ to meet our needs.
The second verse of BeMidbar expands on this and introduces Torah's vision of a world where we learn to meet our needs, to ask for what will meet our needs, without devaluing other's needs.
Everyone Matters
שְׂא֗וּ אֶת־רֹאשׁ֙ כׇּל־עֲדַ֣ת בְּנֵֽי־יִשְׂרָאֵ֔ל
Raise the heads of all the congregation of the children of Israel…”
Numbers 1:2
The 19th century Eastern European Hasidic Ishbitzer Rabbi interprets the meaning of "raising" up all the heads of the God wrestlers :
“Raise” signifies importance. By means of counting the numbers of each tribe, every individual will know their special importance. This is as it is written (Hosea, 2:1), “And the number of the children of Israel will be as the sand of the sea, which cannot be measured or counted…”
Torah is advocating for a society where everyone matters. Everyone's gifts are raised up an celebrated.
What happens when a society becomes stuck in strategies for safety and security that are attached to mastering and owning wealth, resources and the land itself? We see this tragedy unfolding in modern day Israel, as she becomes increasingly attached to exclusive possession, within the Jewish social organization itself and between other peoples who belong to the land. The possession takes on more and more violent and cruel ways, including arms dealing, destroying Palestinian villages, homes and crops and taking their water.
What can be done to find other ways to meet the needs for safety and security, that aren't at the expense of others' lives, dignity, safety and security?
The Art of Making Requests Rather Than Demands
A core practice of NVC is learning to make specific doable requests that are liberated from possessing. Making requests, as opposed to demands, means we care about the other person's needs. We care whether and how the other person's needs will be met if they do what we are requesting them to do. We don't want others to do things "for us" if those things will not meet their needs. Why?
It will come back to bite us.
As we see, in the escalation of violence on all "sides" in the world.
NVC, Torah and Buddhism are guiding us to solutions that meet everyone's needs, or at least show real value for everyone's needs. We want to fashion our requests so that trust and partnership are being built between people; so it's possible to discover and experiment with new ways of meeting needs that do in fact serve everyone who is affected by the proposed solutions.
Nonviolent Communication Principles and Practices with Requests
Requests: Making Life More Wonderful
Nonviolent (Compassionate) Communication addresses these two questions:
1. What is alive in us (what are our Feelings and Needs)?
2. How can we make life more wonderful? Requests are strategies to actualize our needs. Here we introduce two types of requests: “Problem Solving Requests” and “Connecting Requests”.
Some Guides to Making “Problem Solving “Requests
1. Know the need of yours you want to meet by making this request! Ask yourself, if the other person says yes, will it meet my need?
2. Make a request, not a demand. If you don’t care whether your request meets the other person’s needs, it’s a demand. If you want to make a request ( not a demand) , and you hear a “no” from the other person, try a connecting request ( see below).
3. Make clear requests that people trust as requests. In order for them to trust that it’s a request, they need to know that they can disagree and be understood. Marshall B. Rosenberg, founder, NVC
4. Make your request positive, specific, do-able and measurable
Positive Action: instead of asking people to stop doing something, state what action you want them to take.
Specific and do-able: Ask people to do something that is truly within their capacity, power and means to do and tell them specifically what it is you’d like them to do.
Make it measurable: When, how many, how long- being specific like this creates clarity, makes it easier for people to know if they really are willing to say yes and creates unity of expectations.
Check in with the other person when you get a yes (this is an “after-the-problem-solving connection request” ): I want to check that we are both on board with this decision, and restate the who, what when, where, how. (I may also want to thank them for agreeing and ask if there’s anything that would make it more wonderful for them to do this!)
Examples of Problem solving requests:
- Would you agree to do the dishes after dinner before you watch TV?
- How about if you agree to read my report and email comments to me before Friday?
Some Guides to Making Connecting Requests
Before you ask someone to do something, you may (most of the time?) want to check in with them that they have heard what is in your heart; that you have successfully communicated what really is important to you. You want to make sure that you have a sense of connection to each other to create openness to giving and receiving to and from each other. If the other person has heard criticism, judgment, blame, it is unlikely that they will connect with why your request is important to you. The Connecting Request is a strategy to get clear yourself on what is important for you to communicate and to find out if you have been understood in a way that you want.
Examples of Connecting Requests:
- Would you tell me what you heard me say?
- Would you tell me how you’re feeling hearing this?
- What emotions are coming up in you?
- It’s so important to me to know I am expressing myself clearly, would you tell me what you heard me say?
- I'm really curious to know what's happening in you. Are you willing to share?
Examples of Connecting Requests that move us toward Partnership Action Requests:
- Would you brainstorm with me about solutions that will work for both of us?
- Would you tell me what would make it easier for you to say “yes” to what I asked?
- I can sense there is something you don’t like about what I said/ about my request: would you help me understand more about that?
- Is this a good time to talk about this? When would be a better time for you? How much time are you ok with?
- It’s been hard for us to talk about this in the past and I really want to do better- would you agree to stop me the second you hear a judgment from me?
- It’s been hard for us to talk about this in the past- would you stop me the second you can’t hear another word?
Exercise:
- Creating clarity around your needs: Write down something you’d like to ask someone in your family to do
- Creating clarity, connection and empowerment: Look at what you have written- does it clearly let them know what you want them to do snd why its important to you ( your need(s)?
In a group of 2 or 3, tell the other person your request and ask them to repeat back what it is they heard you ask them to do. - Creating abundance and flexibility: Imagine you get a “no” to your request. Write down two other strategies this same need of yours could be met other than by this person doing this very thing. Does this change anything for you?
- Practicing Nonviolence in your Family: Imagine they say “no” again to your request. Write down what you guess is important to them about saying “no”? Consult the Feelings Inventory for their feelings ( guess what they are feeling when they hear your request and say “no”) and the Needs Inventory ( guess what needs of theirs are causing them to feel as they do) , both provided.
- In a group of 2 or 3, ask the other person if you have correctly guessed their feelings and needs in their “no” (this is practice in making a connecting request)
- If they have said “no”, make more connecting requests until you sense a new openness in them to hearing your request and openness in yourself to including their feelings and needs in what you want.
Hello Roberta,
I am giving to my shul this week’s dvar on Korach. I’m sending it to you as a means to create connection with you and to further the integration of Rosenberg’s teachings with yiddishkeit, especially Torah. I’m sending this ere I have read your dvar on Bamidbar. I’ll do so when I can concentrate. Here you go:
Shabbat Shalom. I want to dedicate my words this morning to my friend Robert, a friend to many of us here in this congregation. Robert is going through a difficult passage, not unlike that which our people passed through after their liberation from slavery. There is another kind of enslavement, other than the physical kind, that I and others I know encounter, the emotional enslavement that comes out of one’s own history and learning. On my way to freedom, it is to the gleanings from Torah that I can turn in hope that new learning, new information, new understanding will guide me to where I want to go.
All of my thoughts today come from my teachers who have shared their learning with me. In considering this Parsha Korach, I am reminded of Hillel’s dvar from two weeks ago, where he pointed out that the same basic story that is in Baha-alotcha was also told in one of the earlier parshiot in Shmot. I still resonate with John’s words last week on the element of compassion and understanding the other in order to bring harmony into one’s own heart. From my wife, Dael and her teacher Richard Friedman, I recognize how each parsha is stitched to other parshiot. Sometimes the stitching may be invisible to one’s eye. Nonetheless the stitching is there and it is the students task to look and discover. Thus the comment in Pirke Avot from Ben Bag Bag to study and turn Torah over and over.
I look at the parsha this week, Korach, and see two distinct elements. The actions of Korach being one, and the second being the instruction to our people on giving to the Levites and Priests their sustenance from that which the people have to give. It is the element of giving I wish to explore here. I also see two styles, two energies of giving. Demand giving and Natural giving.
When I consider the aspect of giving as a part of life, I lean on the teaching I received from Marshal Rosenberg, zichrono livracha, on what he calls Natural Giving. It is this Natural Giving that I recognize in the episode from Exodus where the Israelites are enjoined to bring their wealth so that the mishkan can be built. The word used to describe the contributions the people bring is Trumah, or Trumot in the plural. The word itself is rooted in the word ‘roum’, Hebrew to raise, rise up, to be high, to elevate in some fashion. Thus, in Exodus 25 we read of the first official fundraiser, the first official campaign for a building fund. Completely voluntary. The words in Torah are, “Yidbenu libo”, according to the Polyglot Bible meaning “to offer freely what is in one’s heart”. This Rosenberg calls Natural Giving.
Here is a song his friend Lois Bebermeyer wrote about Natural Giving.
I never feel more given to than when you take from me – when you understand the joy I feel giving to you.
And you know my giving isn’t done to put you in my debt, but because I want to live the love I feel for you.
To receive with grace may be the greatest giving. There’s no way I can separate the two.
When you give to me, I give you my receiving. When you take from me, I feel so given to.
Which brings me to this parsha. The words in Torah that describe the transference of ownership from one to another are Trumah, matan from noten-give, korban – from draw close, mas/mesim – which are tithes from the word esser for ten or a tenth. Absent from all these words is the phrase from Exodus 25, “yidbenu libo” – freely of the heart.
The giving we read of in this parsha is a mitzvah – an order, a command. I believe I read somewhere that the rabbis allowed for wriggle room on the exact amount of what any person shared with the Priests and Levites. An Israelite could obey the commandment with lesser amounts if economic circumstances did not allow for a full complement of what was prescribed giving.
So, my query and exploration is how does one engage in the mitzvah of giving so that the act of doing what one is told to do becomes an act of what one holds a desire to do, that is yidbenu libo — freely of the heart.
Here is where I turn to the words I took from John’s dvar last week — to have compassion for oneself and the other. Or to put into practice Lois Bebermeyer’s words, giving not from obligation rather give with a loud Yes. I see the way to do this in the song itself.
How to turn demand giving into natural giving? It begins with Kavanah. And I understand that establishing a kavanah is a combination of one’s being, and the values that one holds with the Doing that one undertakes. Tzaddikim, I’m told, observe the mitzvot because their intention is d’vakut-cleaving to the divine. In Pirke Avot it says, Do the mitzvah not as a slave to a master.
Rather, and I quote: PA 1:3 Antignos of Socho received the tradition from Shimon the Righteous. He would say: Do not be as slaves, who serve their master for the sake of reward. Rather, be as slaves who serve their master not for the sake of reward. And the awe (morah) of Heaven should be upon you.
If compassion is the flow of connection when giving from the heart, then disconnection occurs when any one of four conditions is present. These Rosenberg calls the D’s of Disconnection. They are:
Demand, Deserve, Deny (responsibility) Diagnosis/Judgment. And what are the antidotes to disconnection? From my other teachers Dael, Elke and myself we discovered the following C’s of Connection: Choice, Collaboration, Contribution, and Curiosity.
Now, go and study.
shabbat shalom.